every day, multiple times a day i’ve considered sitting down to blog. but my head swarms with doubts telling me not to write. what is the point? no one wants to read what i write. even when i sit down to write i feel like what i have to say has little significance or entertainment value. i’m sure that this is the reason why my journals grew more and more sparse over time. i was a frantic journaler as a child, teen and young adult. and then i stopped. i didn’t know what to say and when i had an idea of what to say i couldn’t figure out how to say it.
i’m going to do my very best to move past this cerebral limitation that i create for myself. i decided that i will blog about food. so whatever i write it will have something to do with food. so far for this entry, i am apparently trying to conquer my fears about writing in general. once i get going the pace will pick up. i will find my groove. my pattern. my style. so bear with me.
as i sit here, chevy (my 1 year old son) is squishing blueberries with his two little teeth and his gums, mashing them around in his mouth until he very elegantly (much like a parrot) proceeds to slide the skin of the blueberry out of his mouth and into his little hand. he then walks over to me with a big grin and feeds me the slobbery discarded skin. a very thoughtful gesture. kind of gross….but thoughtful. i always thought it was so gross when people ate anything that emerged from their babies mouth and now i’m one of those people. and now i understand. nothing that comes out of him is gross. i can see where others would think it is gross. but not me. this must be some sort of right of passage into being a mommy.
so today is july 31st. the final day of july and i am embarking on a bit of a food challenge/adventure for the month of august. i am going to eat all raw foods during august (except august 8th because i am going to a previously scheduled crab feast and no virginia girl in her right mind will miss a crab party), take pilates classes twice a week and walk for at least 20 minutes a day, 5 days a week. during this raw food quest i will allow myself two things that are not technically raw: salad dressings and tea. if i can have whatever salad dressing i want (that is healthy) i will eat way more salad and tea because even though it isn’t raw, tea is good for you.
i made the decision to do this about week ago when i was having a break down in the kitchen, crying, while my wonderful husband comforted me. i had reached this pinnacle of no longer being able to handle feeling bad about my current health and self image. i have not been able to lose the last 20 lbs of baby weight for one year, my back has been spasming and i do not have nearly as much time to exercise as i used to. so many of my clothes that were once too big for me are now too small. i feel like i look pregnant in everything i wear. and i do not like feeling this way and i do not feel like my usual confidant self. so i broke down….and cried. this break down was partially due to pms, but still, i have been feeling so self conscious for too long now. i decided i had to do something or i was going to feel this way forever.
so here i am. embarking on my adventure tomorrow. i stuffed all the clothes that make me feel bad about myself on the top shelf of my closet. my goal is to simply feel better. of course it would be wonderful to lose weight, not look bloated all the time and have my back regain some strength. but i don’t want to set myself up for disappointment. all i really really want is to feel better….physically and emotionally.
and regardless of all my writer-insecurities, there is something significant to writing stuff down (or typing it – whatever)….i don’t know what it is, but once something has been written it gets new meaning, provides the ability to move on, brings closure……somehow many new thoughts and feelings emerge once it is recorded.
for now, i’m going to eat my gluten-free bagels and tortilla chips with guacamole so they aren’t there to temp me tomorrow.
